It’s time I start applying for nursing schools AGAIN. Applying for more schools in California.
Been playing with numbers and budget. And I think… I think if J can get a job that pays him the same amount he is making right now + if I can find a good paying caregiving job and just work like two hours a day a couple days a week while in nursing school… we would be okay. Like okay/barely getting by financially. We would be okay. I would be happy. I would be extremely happy. I don’t want anything extravagant. I don’t need fancy things.
I’m simple. I’m real simple. I just want and the need the necessities. I gave up my shopping habit a long time ago. I don’t go shopping. I don’t splurge often. The only thing I buy are groceries.
I just want a life worth fighting for when things get rough. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m not happy in my situation. I haven’t made changes because I don’t want to be heartless, but the more I’m here… the more I feel like I’m losing my heart, my soul, my love for life. Its draining. The home environment is toxic.
Going to start job hunting. Save. Save. Save. Kick my ass back into studying mode. Get shit done that needs to be done.
Something has got to change. So I’m hoping that getting accepted into a school in California will be the opportunity I need. The opportunity that I can take without any guilt, guilt trips, or more guilt.
I just want to truly believe in my heart that there is something worth living for. Living in the sense that I’m not just awake, but living. Living the life I want. Because the thing that I’m doing right now? Is just existing. I don’t want to just exist anymore. I want something more out of this. I just want to be be happy without feeling guilty. That isn’t too much to ask for.
